You don’t go on a journey around the country to capture 100 great love stories and not think about what it means to find “The One.”
So many of us (women in particular) approach the next potential partner we meet and the first question we ask: “Is this The One?”
That’s a heavy question, isn’t it? It puts a ton of pressure on every interaction. We lose focus. We lose sight of the joy in meeting someone new, discovering who that person is, learning whether we dance well with him or her.
And unfortunately, that’s precisely the reason why we’re rarely able to accurately discern whether the people we get to meet could, in fact, be the one we really want to end up with.
"Is this person the one?"
That question hints at a lack of trust that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. The truth is, the next person that comes into your life is going to be EXACTLY the one. Maybe it’ll be for a conversation; maybe it’ll be for a lifetime.
The next person you meet will, in fact, be the one. And if there’s a person after that, he or she will be “The One,” too.
You aren’t responsible for predicting the next 50 years of your life whenever you go on a first date. That’s basically what you’re asking yourself to do by starting with the question, “Is this person the one for me?”
Your responsibility is simply to come to each One with an open heart, and an open mind. And let that person teach you what you need to know. So you can be a better woman or man. So you can be the best version of The One for the next One you meet. Because you’re someone else’s future “The One” too, you know.
And, if you’re lucky, you discover the lesson the world has been meaning to teach you all along:
That YOU are the person you’ve been waiting for. You are the limitless source of love. And whether you’re single or in a great relationship or in a relationship you’re questioning, that’s perfect for you.
You are where you are because there’s a lesson (or twenty) that you must learn to evolve to the next best version of you, which brings you closer to your next One.
So embrace where you are. Learn what you can.
The next person who walks into your life will be exactly the right One for the next set of lessons you need to learn.
And if they help you realize that you are, indeed, the One you’ve been waiting for—that there are a million reasons why you’re lovable and worthy…
I think that’s when you should hang on and not let go.
I don’t know about you, but my productivity starts to go out the window when I’m feeling stuck in a job or project, unclear about my goals and priorities, or feeling down about my life’s circumstances or my interpretation of them.
I stop being productive because I don’t know what I’m working toward. And because of it, my self-esteem is low. And because of that, I don’t see the value in my most finite resource: TIME.
You know when I’m most productive?
When I am in flow. When I’m getting enough rest. When I’m fully feeling and owning that I’m 100% responsible for the outcome of my life (and how I perceive the way it’s turning out), and make decisions or shape my thoughts and emotions according to how I desire to process and feel.
If you’re not feeling productive, I’d invite you to not create a time management system, download another app, buy a new planner, or add more stuff to your calendar.
Instead, look at what’s going on in your life that’s causing you to not value your own time. How is that a reflection of where you’re truly struggling to find clarity, meaning, and purpose? How is your procrastination a reflection of your lack of self-esteem or personal sense of value?
If you get clear on where you’re stuck, what you really want, and how to get from where you are to where you want to be, then the inspiration will naturally come to you. You’ll be productive and it’ll take no effort at all—because when you’re clear on what you’re doing, what you want to do (more of or differently) and why it matters to change, then you’ll have boundless determination to make the time to do those very things. Or at the very least, to figure out how to do those things via trial and error.
If you want to make great use of your time, start respecting it.
And if you’re wondering why you haven’t been respecting your time, start looking at how much you respect yourself.
Productivity doesn’t have to be hard. You don’t need fancy systems or more process.
If you’re not feeling productive, all you really need is to check how and why you place the low value you do on your time.
And then do something to up the value.
That’s the only productivity system you really need.
I love the last few lines of this:
Don’t try to be perfect. Just be an excellent example of being human.
How often do we set ourselves up for failure by trying to be our own idea of perfect? And you know what’s really weird? Perfect isn’t even fun.
It’s boring. It makes us un-relatable. Inaccessible. Hard to be around.
You know what is fun, though?
Being unabashedly you, which most definitely includes your quirks. Being okay being a nerd, or goofy, or super serious, or secretly obsessed with cartoon characters or anime. Being fiercely passionate. Being outspoken, but still willing to admit when what you believe may not be the best or right thing. Being willing to look silly. Having an adventurous spirit. Knowing you’ll have fun and make the best of wherever you are and whoever you’re with.
I mean, I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather be around that kind of person over a “perfect” person any day of the week.
We forget sometimes that being human is about our flaws as much as it is about our strengths. Our strengths allow us to feel like we have what it takes to grow…but it’s our weaknesses that allow us to connect to and relate with others.
Genuine connection is invaluable.
Where are you trying to be perfect in your life?
- The way you keep your home?
- How you raise your children?
I say: get messy. Be boldly, unabashedly you. Give others the courage to do the same.
That’s part of what it means to live fully: to be okay with all the sides of you, and embrace all the sides of other people.
It’s not about being perfectly.
It’s about being perfectly you.
This is the catch.
We are HARDWIRED for struggle.
Perhaps life isn’t about increasing your sense of worthiness by decreasing your struggle.
…perhaps it is in the midst of your deepest struggle that you understand the depth and breadth of your own worthiness.
You may be hardwired for struggle.
But you are also hardwired for love and belonging.
Will you choose to see it, and experience your worthiness? Will you choose it even in the midst of your strife and imperfection?
It is my deepest desire that you do. And that I do.
You are worthy.
You are worthy.
You are worthy.
I have a confession to make.
I am on this mind-blowing, once-in-a-lifetime journey across the country. I spend my days writing, interviewing some of the most inspiring couples in America, and exploring great new places. I am watching one of my biggest dreams unfold right before my eyes.
…and you know what I keep thinking about?
"There’s so much work to do. I feel so behind. What if this book isn’t any good? I can’t believe I’m so behind on my journal entries. I’m upset at so-and-so. I’m mad at myself. Why can’t I just enjoy this more? What am I going to do when this project is over in December? What if I run out of money? Why am I getting sick? I feel so physically and emotionally drained out.”
These are the thoughts I spend my energy on all too often. It’s so ridiculous, and I’m embarrassed at how little I’ve focused my energy and attention on gratitude, awe, and fun these past few months.
This is one of our greatest addictions, isn’t it?
Talking about our problems.
It is so easy to go into a state of seeing only what we don’t have, how we’re coming up short, the ways in which we or our lives or the people in it just aren’t “enough.”
And you know what happens? One day turns into a week, which turns into a year, which turns into a decade, which then becomes a lifetime.
A lifetime of unnecessary suffering. Of being numb to life. Of disallowing ourselves to truly experience joy. Of disallowing ourselves to truly work through heartache and pain.
We prolong the problems. We ruminate about things that haven’t happened and likely never will. And when good things happen, we’re too busy waiting for “the other shoe to drop” to really experience it.
This is our biggest collective addiction…
So much so that we make up problems we don’t even have, make the problems we do have even bigger, and essentially strip ourselves of the joy of simply being alive.
Days. Weeks. Years. A lifetime goes by.
And we wonder where the time has gone, when our dreams died, why we didn’t make better use of life we had.
I’m in that moment right now. I have a decision to make: will I let the next few months of this incredible experience fly by, with me being merely a passive observer? Or, will I resolve to jump out of bed every day, determined to create 16 hours of pure JOY?
I’ll take the JOY, please.
What does that look like?
It looks like:
- Taking time to write every day.
- Telling the story about what I’m doing with as much love and sincerity as my heart feels for doing it.
- Deeply reflecting on what I’ve learned about love, myself, and the world.
- Diving wholeheartedly into every single interview I get to do with great couples across the country.
- Using my free time to go on the most crazy, random, fun adventures I can get into in each new place we visit.
- Taking time to listen and understand more, and talk less.
- Making sure I learn something great from every single person I have the great privilege of meeting.
- Blogging more consistently about everything I’m experiencing.
- Calling my friends and family every week to check in and remind them of how much I love them.
- Smiling at complete strangers. And when I say smile, I mean INFECTIOUSLY GRIN. From ear to ear.
- Saying a prayer of immense gratitude every single day.
- Having the words that leave my lips and enter into others’ hearts and minds be only words of kindness, utility, love, and positivity.
- Dancing. Daily. For no reason at all, other than to smile and be free.
- Taking time to really look and experience. Not to glaze over this experience, but to fully soak up the true magnitude of awesomeness that is this journey.
- Replacing worry with thoughtful, intentional action.
- Replacing self-imposed guilt, shame, and self-deprecation with kind thoughts, self-care, meditation, and reflection.
- Focusing my energy less on my problems, and more on the joy I can bring to others. There is way more of the latter, anyway.
- Finding the lesson and positive meaning in absolutely every moment.
- Remembering how damn lucky I am to be doing the work I’m doing, and living the life I’m living. There is no where better to be than where I am, and no person better to be than myself.
What’s on your JOY list?
Write it down.
Because you’re going to live the life you decide to have. And really…
JOY > problems
A friend recently posed the question on her Facebook wall,
"What do you wish you could tell your 13-year-old-self?"
Upon reflection, here’s the letter I wish I could’ve sent my 13-year-old self. It is, in many ways, the letter I think my 70-year-old self would want to send to my 27-year-old self.
Dear 13-year-old Melissa,
If there’s any one thing I deeply want you to know, it’s this:
You are immensely worthy of love.
In fact, you are the greatest source of it. You don’t need to seek love from other people—especially men—to validate yourself. You don’t need to scrape it up wherever you can find it, like it is some scarce resource. Start with being extremely loving toward yourself, and then others. Let love pour out of you. Don’t be afraid to give it away. Don’t be afraid of the heartbreak. Don’t be afraid of the disappointment. They are inevitable steps on the journey to self-discovery and true love.
Be in love with the woman you are, and the woman you are becoming. Your mistakes and messiness are just as much a part of you as your greatest talents and likable personality traits. All of those parts of you make up the lovely sum of who you are. All those parts of you are beautiful.
Every single ounce of your soul and inch of your skin is worthy of the deepest kind of love. But, the secret?
That deep love is a gift you give yourself.
Stop waiting for permission. Start learning what it means to truly, deeply, passionately love yourself now. And in turn, what it means to love others. Like a boss.
Because that is the point of living: LOVE.
To understand it, embody it, feel it toward yourself, and give it away to others, only to get more and more back.
The point of life is to learn how to love—and to allow yourself to be loved—starting with how you show it to yourself.
Do that, and truly, everything else will work itself out perfectly and naturally—no big effort or force required.
Your future is so bright. Get excited.
I love you so much,
Your 27-year-old Self