I recently had a very long, in-depth conversation with a good friend on a controversial topic. Have you ever had one of those? Where you try really hard to see eye-to-eye with someone else, but for whatever reason you just don’t? 

A lot of the time I find that when we are in these situations, we are so busy trying to validate our own point that we don’t truly hear what the other person is saying. When it comes to these sorts of controversial conversations- the ones that make your blood pressure go up, your voice get louder, your body get tense- it’s easy to run from them because they challenge your most deeply seeded beliefs; that can be unnerving and discomforting. But, as easy as it is to avoid those conversations, they are some of the most important ones to have. 

It is common to hear others say that they do not like to talk about politics or religion with most people. Well…why not? Is it because those conversations are difficult? Maybe because we aren’t even completely sure how we feel about particular issues related to those topics? 

The weird thing is, the reasons we use to justify our avoidance of those conversations are the same reasons why we shouldhave them. 

I’ve learned that great change does not come without some discomfort. The discomfort represents the surfacing of questions we haven’t yet asked ourselves about a personal belief. It represents the challenge of really listening to those who have fundamentally different core beliefs. It symbolizes the difficulty that we face in questioning our own assumptions, assessing the accuracy of our beliefs, and finding evidence that better supports a particular point of view. 

But we must have these conversations because at the end of the day, they allow us to grow. They make us think twice about a self-imposed perspective; force us to see outside our personal boxes and limitations; lead us to ask ourselves why we truly feel a certain way about something- and how we came to develop that view in the first place. 

Having a challenging conversation is just like trying to fit into a pair of jeans from when you were eleven-years-old; the notion that it is “challenging” only means you are growing out of a comfort zone that fit you a long time ago but is now too small for you. 

Surround yourself with lots of people who will challenge you…people who will encourage you to have the difficult conversations. 

Do your best to be open to hearing them.

Because when you really hear other people, you come to understand them. 

When you show that you understand them, they become more open to understanding you.

…And the bonus? 
Hearing the hard messages in those difficult conversations often helps you to understand yourself better, too.