A kick in the ass will move you forward faster than a pat on the back. 

Too often, we look for compliments and avoid criticism. I think we’ve got it all backwards. Sure, it’s nice to hear that other people think great things about our work or who we are. In fact, I think that especially in leadership roles, it is imperative that we recognize and reward great talent and achievements. It motivates others to keep doing great work and lets them know they are appreciated. 

But, on the receiving end, the goal shouldn’t be seeking out a compliment. Compliments are simply the byproducts of hard work and successful action. What we forget along the way is that the key to doing good work and finding success is listening to feedback- especially criticism. By understanding what others don’t like or find useful, we can make adjustments that allow us to improve the quality of our work, or even just the way we think and behave as individuals.

Why are we so afraid of criticism? Well, it’s uncomfortable to hear that someone is dissatisfied by our feelings, thoughts or actions. Criticism can be very disconfirming, particularly if the person providing the criticism is abrasive or blunt.

But, there is something to be learned from every piece of criticism we receive. So the next time you receive some, here are some things to do:

1.) Don’t be reactive. 

I don’t know about you, but I have very strong opinions about certain things. If I feel like I’m being attacked based on a view that I am passionate about, it’s difficult to let go of that reactive instinct. But it is CRUCIAL that you do let it go. There have been many times when I wanted to snap a response back. But, by waiting and letting the feedback sit with me for a little bit, I was able to take it in and respond- instead of react- after I had some time to collect my thoughts. 

This is easier to do when the feedback comes via e-mail or voicemail. It is more difficult when you receive the feedback during a face-to-face conversation. If you don’t feel ready to respond to the criticism, tell the person, “I hear what you are saying. I’d like some time to think it through, and continue this part of the conversation at a later date. Would that be OK with you?” More often than not, the person will respect and appreciate your consideration of their feedback. 

2.) Use I, not You

When responding to criticism, pay attention to your choice of words. Something as simple as shifting from statements like, “You don’t understand where I am coming from” to “I don’t feel like my perspective was interpreted the way I intended” can change the tone of the conversation. You are essentially saying the same thing, but in a way that makes it easier for the person on the receiving end to really hear your message instead of getting defensive. 

Avoid making assumptions by using “I” instead of “you”. 

3.) Don’t take it personally

More often than not, the one giving you feedback isn’t trying to personally attack you. In fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. 

Think about it- would you bother giving someone feedback if you didn’t want them to succeed, or at least grow as an individual? Whether it is your parents, friends, bosses, or a stranger who leaves a random comment on your blog- people who give you feedback are trying to help you see something in a different way. That’s not to say that the different way is the right way- just that you should always consider someone else’s perspective before deciding whether to accept it or dismiss it. 

Recognize that, for the most part, people who give you feedback are invested in your well-being. Thank them! 

4.) Look on the bright side

A funny thing happens when you do the three things above- you start to realize that the criticism isn’t really as bad as it initially seemed of felt. Find a way to put a positive spin on every piece of criticism you receive. 

For instance, if a friend tells you that you’re overanalyzing a situation, don’t be dramatic and demand an apology. Step back, assess the validity of your friend’s claim, and if you think it is an accurate assessment, shift your thinking. So, instead of saying to yourself, “Who does my friend think he/she is saying that?,” say, “I’m receiving insight from a friend on my behavior. I know my friend is well-intentioned, and maybe I am overanalyzing the situation.” 

Once you figure out whether a person’s feedback is accurate, ask them to help you come up with solutions to improve the quality of your work or a given situation. 

If you don’t mind moving slowly through life, look for a pat on the back. But if you are looking to grow, improve, and move forward, embrace the kick in the ass.