I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about the possibility and process of finding the “love of your life.” It’s a topic that’s piqued my curiosity in the past- but lately, it has crept its way into even my most casual conversations with people.

One recurring theme I heard in these conversations about love was the notion of “The Game.” If you’re human, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It includes absurd ideas like: “When you’re interested in someone, don’t call for three days- you’ll seem desperate,” or “Fill up your social calendar so you aren’t too available,” or “Flirt with other people in front of the person you like to make him/her jealous.”

We get the same message from our friends, the opposite sex, and the media: “If you want someone to be interested in you, you have to play The Game.”

I heard this from so many people that I (insert look of extreme embarrassment here) started to believe it. I may or may not have even road tested a few “game” theories myself. Did it get a guy or two to call back? Sure. But those acts of “gaming” in relationships- however small- seemed incredibly disingenuous. I couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how many people were trying to convince me otherwise, The Game was a ruse.

I haven’t met the love of my life yet. But I’m confident that one day, I will. And I am equally as confident that I will not win him over by taking days to answer his texts, making pretend I’m booked solid for two weeks straight, or flirting up a storm with other men in front of him. It’s not who I am, and it’s not who I want to be. 

Here’s the reality we are afraid to admit: the moment we decide to play The Game is the moment we choose to diverge from being our authentic selves. The only reason the idea is so prevalent in the first place? Because it makes love less scary. It’s a way of shielding ourselves from the pain of rejection- to ensure that we have some upper hand in doing the rejecting - or at the very least, can rationalize and insulate ourselves through the pain should the tables turn.

Love is scary. On the grand scale of risk and reward, love is high up there on both accounts. By choosing to be open to love, we risk everything. Because falling in love = possible rejection = loneliness & pain. But the other option is this:not being open to loving people = guaranteed loneliness & pain. So which is it? which one of the two will you choose? 

When it comes to relationships, we get so mired in fear and games that we often miss the point: that the most important thing is to be completely, fully and unabashedly ourselves.

When you meet someone you genuinely like,

Call whenever you feel compelled to do so.
Answer as soon as you want.
Be open to the possibility of love.
Be willing to face rejection and not take it personally.
Be honest and genuine.
Give the person sharing time and space with you a chance to really get to know you.
Don’t put the rest of your life on hold…
But understand that no matter how busy you are, you can always find time for the people you love. Believe in that. Make the time when you find someone worth making the time for.

Maybe some people will lose interest or be turned off by you. Maybe they won’t call you back. Maybe it won’t last beyond a few dates. And that’s OK. They just weren’t the best fit for you, and you don’t need to waste any more of your time worrying about them. 

If you want to find the love of your life, all you need to do is be who you are. Because the love of your life is the person who will accept, cherish, and love you right back for being just that: who you are.

No game necessary.